E singing a strangely familiar song with gusto in German to A, to stop her from crying
Me: Are you singing a football chant?
E: How did you know?
E singing a strangely familiar song with gusto in German to A, to stop her from crying
Me: Are you singing a football chant?
E: How did you know?
So recently A had her first injections. Being a curious little munchkin, she was just simply really happy to be in the nurses office and contendely sat lapping up her new nurse-related stimuli.
As the needle went in her chunky, little thigh there was silence. She had dealt with it amazingly well. Suddenly she let out the biggest wail I have ever heard from her tiny lungs and her face went a worrying shade of red. As the second needle went into her thigh, she wailed even louder. The entire time she cried, she looked at me as though I had betrayed her.
So today is my first ever mother’s day. I feel more emotional than I ever imagined I would be. Motherhood is turning out to be amazing. I feel so grateful and lucky that despite the horror stories, I survived pregnancy and birth. I managed to grow a healthy little girl who is incredible. I am lucky that I do not have to rush off to some job and get to choose if/when I go back to work.
But despite all this awesomeness, today has a tinge of sadness. My mother is not quite here.She has not passed away, thankfully. She is not ill but despite this she is still not here being my mother.
It’s complicated so I do not even know where to begin. She is not a one dimensional villain as she is caring in her way. She is intelligent. Her influence is the source of my fundamental fun- loving, book reading, forever- learning nature.
However, despite all of these niceties, she is markedly flawed. Although I am firmly an adult she is desperately controlling. She is dishonest. She is competitive. She is abusive. I feel upset that as I was pregnant, I could not ring her for advice or to share my experiences as I journeyed to motherhood. Instead I had to set up boundaries and distance so that I did not start to believe that some of the issues that occurred in this pregnancy were due to some fundamental, disgusting manifestation of my essence, like she continuously told me.
I have made progress in my expectations and have learned that there is a stereotypical god-like, angelic, flawless idea of mothers which is grossly unachievable.
However, having A has made me even more angry about the way she treats me. When I look at my gorgeous girl I could not imagine going out of my way to harm her or abuse her or make her feel small. I love her so much that all I want to do is love her and nourish her and let her know just how special she is.
I am starting to accept that my mother is not who I want her to be.
I am starting to realise that as well as being my mother, she is also a person with her own issues, struggles and flaws.
It was and still is, difficult at times being a mother without a mother. However this adversity has highlighted my resilience, strength and built my determination to be a reflective, thinking mother who does not take my own issues out on my children.
I have found opportunities to learn about how to be a mother in surprising places. I have realised that lots of people in my life, some who aren’t even women, show me qualities that I would like to emulate. I would love my friend Emma’s enthusiasm and positivity as a mother. When I’m with my granddad I always get the sense that he savours the moments we spend together and I would like to conjure that with A.
I want to capture and pass on my grandma’s luminous pride in my mere existence.
Unfortunately I am becoming a mother without the guidance of my actual mother but this experience has helped me to realise that there are lots of people who show me qualities that I would like to radiate as a mother regardless.
Just before giving birth I have to admit that I was a bit of a mess. Somehow all of the scary stories I had ever heard about the big boogey man of labour were right at the fore of my mind. My friends who had never given birth were especially skilled at brewing my fear . They were forever hinting at scary details about labour that they swore were a certainty.
It’s not surprising really that as my due date came and went, that I went into a form of hibernation.
I turned off my phone; no more annoying excited ‘so has it happened?’ calls. I tried to avoid meeting anyone I know; no more talk about how I looked as I though I was about to ‘pop’ which I translated as’die’. Instead, I created a kind of Pre-labour, Anti -Panic Attack Retreat. As my husband woke up for work, so did I. I ate well, trying to avoid anything too sugary as I swear it is not good for my anxiety. I started my day with nothing but utter positivity in the morning; Buddhist talks, Joyce Meyer sermons all courtesy of Youtube. I took positive, cheerleader- esque notes and wrote my favourite quotes in a book which I took with me into labour. After well and truly slavering myself in utter positivity, me and my bump would bumble through Humpty Dumpty style yoga, focusing on poses that were said to be the antidote to anxiety.
I offended a few people who wanted to talk about the impending day by telling them that I was not talking but instead hibernating, but frankly, I didn’t care. I did not want to go into labour needing tranquillisers because I had let fear take over.When the time came for me to go into hospital, I was 100x calmer than I ever thought I would be.
Incredibly, giving birth turned out to be one of the best experience I have ever had and thankfully not as scary as I had built it up to be. Staying calm before labour definitely helped.
My top tips for staying calm before labour:
Do not talk to people. Ha! Only joking. Talking to people can not be avoided unfortunately. But make sure you stay away from people who make you feel anxious about labour, they’ll survive if you do not speak to them for a bit.
- Make a soothing bag full of things that will keep you calm if you go into labour. My bag included lavender oil, a tens machine, my book of positive quotes and a yoga birthing position guide.
Exercise. When you can just about breathe because your organs are being squeezed by your bundle of joy exercise may feel like it’s impossible but just knowing I attempted exercising helped to make me feel good. Listen to your body but I think it’s worth doing something, even if it is just walking around your kitchen a couple of times.
Do things that make you feel positive– I wrote quotes and listened to positive talks. That also means avoiding negative stuff-I could not even watch some adverts or shows that I used to enjoy pre-pregnancy like Orange is the new black because they just made me too emotional.
Try to make sure you have a way of releasing any overwhelming emotions– talking to my super positive friend whose mum happened to be a midwife helped me lots.I also re-discovered my diary.
© Mummy Blossom 2016
I have been gone for a hot minute (or couple of months).
I have given birth(!?!!) and now have a gorgeous, incredible, actual, real seven week old daughter.I have missed blogging and finally feel that I can get back on it.
In the next couple of blogs I will give you the 411 about what how the birth went. Once you’re all caught up, I’ll let you know about what mummy adventures and discoveries my days now hold.
Honestly guys, becoming a mother has been incredible. It was something I was so so scared about but it is turning out to be the best, full stop. Looking forward to sharing this all with you and hopefully getting your comments/advice/general musings.
Lots of love
So E is unwell, nothing serious just the flu but today as he lay in bed in a drowsy, snot filled haze I lay next to him, staring. As I patted his head and listened to his fluey breathing I began to tear up.
I had an office to sort out, food shopping to do and cooking on the fire but for some reason unbeknown to me I was crying because my husband had his annual dose of the flu.
After about ten minutes of intense staring, patting and crying I pulled myself together and popped off to Sainsburys to get some immune boosting food.
The walk helped me clear up my mind and get over my moment of intense
madness attachment.I think that my primal evolutionary instincts are kicking in, alerting me that I need to look after my ‘mate’ to successfully get the resources to provide for my young or maybe it’s just the hormones.
I dont know but I hope that this isn’t a sign of my behaviour to come with our bubba. I need to woman up.
Currently: 35 weeks
Craving: Ice cold smoothies ( I drink about a litre of the homemade stuff every day!) and cold drinks.
Feeling: Relaxed, excited and in awe of those who give birth. My friend gave birth yesterday and was busy whatsapping today! #goals
After my amazing first scan I ended up being one of those people who get a call to say that something was wrong with their 12 week blood test. Just as I thought I had learnt to harness the power of positive thinking, it was tested resulting in my old friend Mr Anxiety showing me that I wasn’t quite the Positivity Guru that I thought I was.
My Papp A levels were low, this shows how well the placenta is functioning. My HCG levels were also high as though I had twins or something. Overall both blood tests indicated that we had a 1 in 65 chance of having a baby with Downs Syndrome.
I know that lots of people cope fine and love life with their child who has this condition but this scared me. I chose to see specialists at Kings to get a CVS test. It was quite overwhelming when I saw how many specialists there were in the room (about 6 I think) but I felt quite relaxed, happy that I would be more informed.
The test involved the doctors putting a long needle in my belly to get some placenta to test the cells to be able to know conclusively if our bubba had downs or another condition like cerebral palsy.
When they injected me with the anaesthetic before collecting samples of placenta that hurt but apart from that I just felt slight internal pulling.
I was impressed with how well I handled the test but waiting for the results was horrible.
I found myself googling and looking into forums about those who had the tests and what they found. I now know that you should never ever google when you are worried about something that you can not control as this just made my anxiety worse. On the day the results were due I was in full panic attack mode but managed to call E to press the hospital for the test results. They called me back immediately and told me all seemed fine. Our baby did not have any of the conditions they tested for. I was relieved but also felt a bit guilty as I realised that whilst I had been waiting for the results I hadn’t been looking after myself very well and thought less about my baby as my child but as a problem. As low Papp A levels can result in growth problems and pre-eclampsia I was immediately put on a daily dose of aspirin.
I think I’ve been avoiding writing about this as it was a scary, overwhelming time for me. However, this experience makes me so so grateful now when I hear good news about the progress of our bubba’s growth.
I have not posted for ages, so much pregnancy- related shizzle has happened that I’ve just been focusing on trying to keep myself sane. At first everything seemed to be going well.
Before my 12 week scan I didn’t quite believe that I really had an actual baby in my belly. Therefore when the day of the scan arrived I stared spellbound at the screen as the Sonographer confidently pointed out my baby’s legs and heartbeat and head. It was real. The whole pregnancy thing was no longer just an idea in my head but my real, tangible life.
The Sonographer announced that everything ‘appeared normal’ but she couldn’t quite get a Nuchal Translucency measurement, which measures the fluid behind a foetus’ neck which is a marker of downs syndrome.
Our baby was very active during the scan which was a surprise to me as despite my positive pregnancy test ages ago I was just about starting to believe that I was pregnant.
Baby flipped between snuggling deep into my hip bone and doing bum first somersaults so I was sent off on a walk to try to get our bubba to move into a scan friendly position. Our baby was still doing scan defying acrobatics so we were booked for another scan the next day.
After being ordered to run around the hospital after we attempted to scan the next day our bubba finally complied and moved into a good position to get the NT measurements, once again everything ‘appeared normal’.
I was elated. I had a baby. Our baby seemed healthy. Plus all of the acrobatics made me realise that our baby was developing its own mind and preferences already.
A great reminder that our baby is part of me but definitely an individual.
Happy with all of the recent revelations I didn’t pay much attention as I got a blood test done after the scan. As the nurse reeled off what the blood test was for I relished what had just happened;I had seen my baby, it had moved, it seemed fine. I soon discovered that the 12 week blood test was a lot more significant than I thought it’d be.
I’ll give you the 411 in my next post
TOP TIPS FOR YOUR 12 WEEK SCAN
Here are some things I learnt that would’ve made me more prepared for the scan and blood test results
–Eat a ‘high calorie’ meal at least one and a half hours before the scan. Apparently this makes sure your baby is active during the scan is so it will be easier to move it into a good position if need be. If you don’t have time to do this try to eat something sugary like a banana or Lucozade half an hour before the scan.
–Try not to go for a wee beforehand, I was told an empty bladder makes it more difficult for the scan. Also try not to wet yourself though! It’s a careful balancing act that almost resulted in an adult wee related incident for me recently!
– Sometimes my underwear had to be pulled quite low to get a scan of our bubba. I’m quite a prude so would have been horrified if there were any sly vajay hairs on display.If you’re like me, make sure your vajay is display ready before your scan. If you’re not like me, I admire you and would really like to know your secret.
– Be ready to not have great news, I really was not ready for this. My scan was fine but the blood test was not great. I saw the purpose as a scan to see my baby and have a nice, fun time. The Sonographer meanwhile was focusing on checking out that our bubba was healthy, I wish I had remembered this to prepare me mentally for the test.
A few weeks ago I had my booking appointment and it really made all of this pregnancy shizzle seem real (and scary)!
First of all I was late. My appointment was at 10.15 but I didn’t think to check my mental note of 10.30 which was wrong. I panicked slightly when I tried to electronically sign in for my appointment to be told I was too late. Despite a ten minute wait in which I worried about the potential harm of having to re-book my first ever antenatal appointment, it was fine. The midwife was thankfully over running slightly so I was seen with no hassle.
I had to give the midwife a urine sample which was instantly checked for ‘proteins’ ( I still need to look up what that means in the context of pregnancy). I also got weighed and had lots of blood taken.
In the appointment, I was asked loads of questions. Interesting ones included ;’ Do you or your partner have a history of substance use?’, ‘ Do you feel like you are in a threatening environment?’.
These questions really made me grateful that my biggest non- issue at the moment is that P has gone new kitchen hunting crazy
He wants to constantly talk about kitchens, visit kitchen showrooms and discuss banal kitchen equipment like taps. I’ve realised that in the grand scheme of things, boring kitchen talk is absolutely nothing.
I had to do a Carbon Monoxide test which revealed that the level of Carbon Monoxide in my body was 4 (1 to 3 is a healthy level). High Carbon Monoxide levels can affect our bubba’s growth. I was told this means I have a gas leak in my house (I don’t), second-hand smoked on my way to the appointment or have been breathing in car fumes . I literally left my house, walked past loads of greenery and went across one main road before my appointment. I did not see any smokers.
My reading really highlighted to me how much pollution there is and I now dramatically go of out of my way to avoid those that are smoking around me
After all of my data was put into the system, it was highlighted that I need to see a consultant as I have pernicious anemia, an autoimmune condition which means my body does not absorb B12 from food so I need to have it injected every 3 months. Pregnancy may increase the symptoms of pernicious anemia and how often I need injections.
The questioning, support and information given during my booking appointment was very thorough. I feel like I’m in very good hands. I got so much information, I don’t think I really needed to buy a pregnancy book.
I love the NHS!
I have my first scan next week and honestly I’m a bit scared. I was given a leaflet which highlighted all of the problems which can be found. There is no point of me worrying about it now. I’ll have to just see how it goes and deal with anything that may have to be dealt with. Thankfully, H is an optimist so I’m not just stuck with my fearful thoughts.
My Pregnancy Progress
Weeks:12 and 1 day (yay for 12 weeks!)
Size of bubba: The size of a lime (that is so cute/weird/oh my god our baby is growing)
Pregnancy Symptoms: Prods and a occassional whooshing feeling in my tummy, Tired
Clothes: I can’t wear t-shirts at the moment as my belly definitely shows now. We’re trying to keep our pregnancy on the down low until we’ve had our scan/tests. I’m all about empire line dresses and big jumpers at the moment.Give it about 3 weeks though and I doubt even they’ll be able to hide my bump.
Before getting the all important evidence that I was pregnant, my out of the ordinary symptoms made me sure that this time I was actually pregnant.
They felt tingly especially in the nipple area just like they do before my monthly is about to start. Only this time the boob pain did not go away like it usually does.
I diligently prepared for my period complete with my monthly granny knickers but instead there was something which resembled cervical mucus, which I get during super fertile times in my cycle, with a tiny spot of brown.
I thought this was a sign that my period was starting in an odd way but it turns out that it may have been implantation bleeding
On our honeymoon I remember looking at my new, amazing husband and our lovely, luxurious Swim up room and thinking about the gorgeous dinner we were just about to indulge in, when I just couldn’t take it anymore. I burst into uncontrollable, quite insane tears. When H asked what was wrong, in between sobs I managed, ‘I’m just (breath) so haaaapppy’ before beginning another cycle of breathy sobs. It goes without saying that those level of tears were just a little bit OTT.
I’m not quite sure if describing it as painful is quite accurate but it was definitely uncomfortable. It felt like someone had the fine point of a crochet needle and was gently prodding in a particular part of my belly occasionally.